Sleepless in RM 333

it's 0034 , officially Monday. I have to get up in less than 4 hours but I can't sleep. that's not new, I'm nervous for PT tomorrow (physical training) this feeling isn't new to me either. I'm surprised I'm not used to it yet, surprised I haven't found a way to get over it . is this what insanity is? depression? anxiety? I'm not sure - I'm scared to reach out for help and I don't know why because I do want help but I'm scared of change and if I tell someone what I really feel, what my thoughts really are - it can change a whole lot.

honestly I'm just not happy and I should be really. I have a roof over my head , money in pocket , "free" health insurance but what is all that if your not happy ? it's like being Ina coma almost. 

I want to go home. 

I want to sleep in.

I want to go to school.

I want to see my dad everyday. see my sister and unborn God child everyday.

I want to have a kitchen.

I don't want to worry about whether I'm over weight or not.

I don't want to hide my thoughts and feelings anymore .

I don't want to be scared anymore.

I don't want to be afraid of being my mothers daughter and following in her foot steps.

I don't want to have sleepless nights anymore.

I don't want nightmares anymore.

I don't want to feel sorry for myself anymore.

I don't want to wish death or bodily harm to myself anymore. 

will anybody read this? maybe they'll think I'm pathetic . or weak. and I'm sorry but I can't hold this in anymore.