Something New

0602. last night I found myself scrolling through craigslist personal ads lol yeah I think I know what your thinking but I'm curious. I actually found some interesting ads and to my surprise my being hesitant isn't due to "what if he's a serial killer" but more of "what if he's not my type" , I feel like most normal girls would be thinking of the serial killer gig - but not me lol so I replied back to a few ads. even sent a picture or two, nothing inappropriate though , that's not me . let's see if I get anything back...*Fingers Crossed* 

Idea 1

1814 . imagine a place like McDonald's but instead of junk food , nothing but veggies and fruits! smoothies, salads, kababs, a fruit and veggie lunchable! and I'll get all the produce from a local farmers market! most of the proceeds can go to like a hunger foundation. idk just a thought bc this is something I'd want to be honest . I'd call it Faveys. lol 

drowning.

0533, Monday morning. I have to leave in a few minutes for PT and my stomach is turning inside out- or atleast that's what it feels like. I'm so tired. contacts broke and I can't wear my glasses to PT so I'm going to be blind as a bat, it's also freezing outside. idk how I'm going to get back to the barracks after PT to change over or how I'll even get back to work. My mind never sits stil and instead of it jumping and spiraling through positive thoughts , it drowns in sorrow and worry. slow and painful. I hope I get hit by a car or my appendix explodes so I don't have to go on with BCP . 

Sleepless in RM 333

it's 0034 , officially Monday. I have to get up in less than 4 hours but I can't sleep. that's not new, I'm nervous for PT tomorrow (physical training) this feeling isn't new to me either. I'm surprised I'm not used to it yet, surprised I haven't found a way to get over it . is this what insanity is? depression? anxiety? I'm not sure - I'm scared to reach out for help and I don't know why because I do want help but I'm scared of change and if I tell someone what I really feel, what my thoughts really are - it can change a whole lot.

honestly I'm just not happy and I should be really. I have a roof over my head , money in pocket , "free" health insurance but what is all that if your not happy ? it's like being Ina coma almost. 

I want to go home. 

I want to sleep in.

I want to go to school.

I want to see my dad everyday. see my sister and unborn God child everyday.

I want to have a kitchen.

I don't want to worry about whether I'm over weight or not.

I don't want to hide my thoughts and feelings anymore .

I don't want to be scared anymore.

I don't want to be afraid of being my mothers daughter and following in her foot steps.

I don't want to have sleepless nights anymore.

I don't want nightmares anymore.

I don't want to feel sorry for myself anymore.

I don't want to wish death or bodily harm to myself anymore. 

will anybody read this? maybe they'll think I'm pathetic . or weak. and I'm sorry but I can't hold this in anymore.